(Not a) Mother's Day

I am not one of those women who grew up with a deep and longsuffering desire to become a mother. It wasn't something I felt entirely adverse to but there were so many other things in my life that I wanted and thought about before I did becoming a mom. That didn't change even when I met and married my Matt. Our life felt so full for so many years and then a handful of factors mounted that made becoming a parent seem like it wouldn't be a reasonable possibility for us. In place of the experience of becoming a parent I developed relationships, learned new skills, explored new places, cultivate a career that I valued and simply just had the luxury of time and connection with Matt. Even when I did feel the desire to have a child for us to care for and experience life with, I never felt my happiness was contingent on it and so I allowed a lot of space for what would unfold rather than willing it to be a certain way. .

Growing up in a faith community that eulogizes motherhood was difficult for me for a number of years. There didn't seem to be much if any space for a family like Matt and I. People often referred to "starting a family" to which I felt like I already had. We started our family in May 2007. We may add to it or not but what else could it possibly be but a family of two? Then of course there was the mother's day service. One that I found myself heading home with potted plants or chocolates wrapped in cellophane given to me by a young man from my ward because "I had a mothering heart" or some such. I tried to be open to this explanation of things but realized that it felt benignly insulting. As if we had to find this acrobatic explanation as to how I was actually a mother because I was "inherently nurturing" etc. Really I wasn't a mother until a week ago. And I didn't feel sad or apologetic about it. Because I was many other great things: a librarian, a wife, a daughter of a great mother, a citizen invested in her community, a swimmer, an environmentalist and yes indeed a woman. But I wasn't a mother and it made me feel like the only way there was space for me on this Hallmark holiday was to somehow explain that I was something that I wasn't.

To be sure, I absolutely see mothers as the lifeblood to the health and well being of our entire civilization. They have the potential to cultivate the well being of humanity starting with these micro communities we call families. I have long celebrated my own mother each May and for the last decade+, I have celebrated my sweet mother-in-law. But there are a great many other things women offer that do not make them mothers. They are nurses, doctors, educators, activists, creatives, neighbors, researchers, the list goes on. They also contribute to the health and well being of our communities, even if they don't identify as being mothers.

It turns out that my life has included this role for me. And I feel privileged beyond comprehension. But it isn't the whole of me. And it wasn't an imperative. It was simply a gift that I somehow have lucked out being able to receive and to some