First Days Home as a Family of 3

Our first night home from the hospital we tried to split up the night into a bit of a care plan. Between an overnight labor process and the revolving door that was my postpartum room at the hospital, I was going off of an average of 1-3 hours a sleep a night. Luckily the fatigue I had felt during pregnancy was replaced with euphoric newborn vibes but we knew that could not last forever. So we decided I should sleep in bed first while Matt slept on the couch and stayed with Cormac. Then we would swap places after I nursed. I fell asleep fitfully lonely in the bedroom for 10 minutes then started at the first sound of a whimper from the other room. I rushed out to see Matt rocking Cormac in the glider then burst into tears that I didn't want to be left by myself in the bedroom, separated from my boys. Matt relented that as long as I could find sleep on the couch he would make a bed on the floor and we could go from there.

So our plan quickly devolved into a living room camp out with the sole purpose of overnight survival. All needed supplies sprawled throughout the room in tidy stations for various parts of this brand new human care: a changing station, a swaddle area, medicine and hydration, nursing and gliding - oh and of course "sleeping." We left a lamp on for comfort and Matt pushed Cormac's bassinet right next to me on the couch so I could steady my anxiety when needed to reach in and touch his chest when I panicked his snoring breaths had become too quiet. It was one of those long, anxious yet endearing nights that we have already referred back to with some nostalgia. Gradually we downsized each area. The changing station was moved into its proper place in the nursery. Medication needs waned. We pushed the bassinet into our room and now only need a night light to rouse ourselves and make it to the glider in the living room to nurse as needed as Cormac cues us throughout the night.

Now when a visitor comes by, we look relatively organized. As if we have an order to this process. Maybe even as if we "have the hang of it." And perhaps we are getting "better" at what it takes to care for this wee boy. But really it is seems that this role may just be  a lot giving the appearance of competence and confidence when really you just barely managed to downgrade to a nightlight to get you through. The good news is, I've been faking competence and confidence for years now and it has gotten me about as far as I could have hoped. Fingers crossed this method does right by my Cormac. In the meantime, I'm wanted to keep a snap of this note as a reference point for all the many upcoming plans that are bound to go awry but not at all wrong.